I'm 18 and I realized that I am more interested in woman since I was 13, I think? At first, I just ignore it, I thought it's not that serious. But as I grow old, the more I realized that this is getting serious. I'm scared to show off. I'm scared what people may think of me, or my friends might treat me wrong or something. How about you? I'm just wondering, why do you keep it?
Why I’m still not coming out? That’s a pretty important question that myself I find it hard to answer.
Keep in mind, that I’m sharing these thoughts with you not to complain on my life or to purposely make myself a victim. It’s just like stating the facts. And it’s just that some people could actually find here something for themselves. Because people in closet doesn’t speak up much.
Let me just point things out,
## The Society
Of course, the society reaction is indeed one of the problems. But as I know my friends and collegues, they are rather okay with homosexuality. “My people” are tolerant and I’m realy proud of them. But, being tolerant and actually responding to something is a whole different thing. What I am afraid is that my female friends are going to be (even unconsciously) distanced from me automatically, once they know. They would be feeling slightly insecure. But differently as though they’d be around boys, because the boy and girl connection is just still feels natural. And when it comes to the same-sex relations it’s just something…unknown.
And I can totally comprehend it. And maybe they are right to be insecure, because I find myself really attracted to some of my closest friends. I’m just trying not to act on it.
## Personal insecurities
I’m just a coward. Sharing any of sexuality aspects with others makes me very uncomfortable. I’m not able to talk with my friends about intimate things. I’m never the person who could start something out. Though in everyday life I seem to be quite bold and couragous as my friends would say, I cannot relate this behaviour to human relations. Especially if they concerns me. I’m running from every intimate situations that I’m sharing with other person, no matter who they are. I have never found enough will and strength to actually pursue close relationships with people. Either I’m waiting for things to happen or I’m just running. I know how pathetic it sounds but they say that being aware of the problem is the first step to improvement, right?
Therefore, right now, I cannot imagine my life as an out of a closet lesbian, (god I hate this word, the very sound of it). This would mean that I’d have to be comfortable with my sexuality. I’m not. Yet.
Last but not least…actually, this is the biggest issue that I’m facing. Family. Because of that I’m actually strongly considering to never come out also to never pursue any relationship with women. And just leave my desires locked up deep deep down myself. I’m so used to being unhappy that I can actually, out of fear, continue that way. Though I like living my life, I have no hope finding anykind of happiness in my life…
This…this was the moment when I just surprised myself. I never expected to write anything like this, like these words above about happiness or the lack of it. Actually, I realized the state of my happiness the moment I’ve written the sentence. Never thought to sound so sad. And oh, this is just coming out as a self-therapy blog, great. Gonna try to keep it to minimum next time.
Anyways, I’m an Asian living in Europe. As you could guess, my family’s way of raising a child and having a family is really, really, conservative. My whole life is suppose to be planned.
Besides finishing all degrees and having a well-paid job in notable bank or anything concerning economy the most important thing is - FAMILY = Husband + Kids.
Husband till 30, kids till 35. And keep going till my kids won’t start families on their own, then I can peacefully die.
And you should understand the mechanics of it - this is just the most MUST-BE thing in my life otherwise I’m screwed. Which means that I’m for sure lost to my further, big family (my family is as big as a small village in country of my origin). What about the closest one?
To say the truth I can just imagine, but I’m clueless what they could do. They could beat me out of the idea, have me send to some treatment, kick me out or as well as accepting me to some extend after some long time. My relationship with my family was always terrible. But I know mother loves me, but to what extend?o what extend?
Reblog if you’ve ever listened to music or if you are a serial killer